Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
OMG 🤣🤣
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.