*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.