I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars