I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
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life finds a way
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Woke up against my better judgment again
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night