Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
umm…
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Squeak, squeak, squeak!