With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life