{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Breaking news:
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula