You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this