My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.