The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.