I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Interior design 👌
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*