How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
When they try to steal your moment.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”