me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
A small tragedy.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room