My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
How it started: How it’s going: