Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.