Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My patience has stretch marks.
can I use a minion as a tampon
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
What the dentist sees
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.