me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Sunday
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
#growingpains
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this