me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Möther may I have a snäck
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob