My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.