When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Time for evil
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume