there’s probably a fee though
You Might Also Like
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
A short story of betrayal:
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.