The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
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It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?