handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna