It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful