Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum