Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.