The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Put a ring on it
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .