Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
When you’re here for the treats.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.