Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up