Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“How’s your day going?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.