It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running