“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
No Google it does not
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.