ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.