Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Hank is one in a melon.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?