Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]