The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
So we got a goldfish…
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.