ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut