Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.