My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
You Might Also Like
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Reporter: *ports again*
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”