FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
nice challenge
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text