If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.