you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate