I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.