My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
british sex workers really pound for pound
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.