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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.