To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Respect
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I gave up going to work for lent.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Cucumbers Anonymous
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong