I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Strangers have the best candy.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded