Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
This makes total sense…
Any refunds available?…
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Every haunted house movie:
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.