Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
liiiiiiiiike
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.