Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Nice try, NASA
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?